Relationships

The Ideal

Recently someone asked me what my ideal man would be? Interesting question but it's quite difficult to answer. But whether we realise it or now we all have an ideal partner. 

After much thought I realised I do have an ideal and this is what he is. As far as looks go, I can't really explain that one. I am attracted to a variety of guys. Guys of different races, heights and other features. What I would like in a partner is someone who is an equal. Who has a job (I don't care what they earn). I'd like someone who is able to have an argument and get over it, who is introspective and doesn't always have to be right. 

Someone who looks after me as much as I look after them. Someone who can show how they feel. That may be in genuine words or actions or through affection. Someone who makes me feel as safe as I make them feel. Someone who thinks about me and others more than they think about themselves. Someone who actually cares about my life and how I am. Someone who believes that as a couple you go on a journey together. Obviously I want someone who is honest  and loyal and open who doesn't bottle anything up but rather gets it out, resolves it and moves on. 

Most importantly someone who realises that during a relationship there are ups and downs and stays committed and does whatever we need to do to get through the downs. Someone who will stick to whatever it takes, whether that be counselling,  personal development or whatever. To do this though they would need to be open to being wrong. 

So there you go, my ideal. Some would say that it is a lot and doesn't exist but I'm not someone who expects things or someone to always be perfect, just someone who finds the balance. 

The Spark

I have had some conversations with some younger people about relationships and the one thing that they keep bringing up is the spark. You know, that spark that you feel with someone. Now the more I kept hearing the emphasis that people were putting on this the more concerned I got. 

It wasn't the need for the spark when they meet someone but rather the comments I heard from people talking about how when the spark goes they usually leave the relationship. I found this disturbing. Maybe it's an age thing I don't know but there seems to be a lot of interesting views out there. 

To me the spark is fleeting and part of the lust phase of a relationship. The honeymoon as they say. This is the part of relationship that let's you get to know someone but like anything it will go to some degree over the course of a relationship. I have found that what's important is understanding that this is to some degree temporary and you need to add some depth to your relationship. It's an opportunity for you to get to know someone whilst you develop true love for a person. 

I guess the conversations were concerning because not only was the spark a thing, but there was no real commitment to the reality of relationships. There was constantly this belief that relationships are temporary because I may want to go in a different direction with my life. In fact there was a lot of "I"'s in the conversations. There was little understanding of working on a relationship or compromise or working on a mutual direction.

There seems to be this belief with younger people that everything is about what they want and too bad to everyone else. To be honest I don't understand this level of selfishness and it's certainly not going to lead to good relationships. Sharing your life with someone is more than sex and more than hotness (because that will go for everyone at some point). It's more than what an individual wants and is about building a life with someone that takes into account the things that both people would like as individuals and as a couple. I think one of the biggest dangers to the future is this belief that you need 100 likes on a post or photo to be validated. But that's a different post lol. 

Relationships are about sharing and about realising that the love of an honest, caring person in your life is amazing. Realising that you are someone's No. 1 is important because that is someone who will stick by you when times are tough and not just when things are good or you get what you want. Selflessness is the key to a happy life not selfishness. 

Life

Well, what can I say life keeps me flat out. My job which is full of hard work and stress (like most) keeps me busy most of the time. I actually love my job and it is still just a job but I love it. Plus it gives me an escape from my personal life lol. 

Life at home isn't totally bad but I know things won't get any better as long as T is in denial and not prepared to help grow. So without going into details we get along and things are not tense at the moment so that is good. But unfortunately things are not like a relationship should be. I have compromised and it keeps the peace but in the end he has made it clear that what he wants is the only thing that matters. 

It's not someone being mean because he believes his own hype but he really believes that relationships are not about two people working together. He truly believes that everything is only about him and that he is always right. That is in no way an exaggeration. The boy just has no real emotion and doesn't have the depth to look inside himself so for now I will go with the flow until I am in a position emotionally to make a decision because to be honest I don't know what I want at the moment. The one thing I do know is that I do deserve to be loved and I don't believe that is currently the case. 

I believe that T is pretty messed up and a lot of it does have to do with his childhood which was torturous. That isn't an excuse because a lot of people with bad pasts will do whatever it takes with strength to work through their issues. Unfortunately that is not the case here probably because he believes he has dealt with it but unfortunately it's that stubbornness that will lead to even more issues.

I obviously care but realise that his current state of believing he is perfect and everything he thinks is right means I can't do anything. So at this point it is my issue because I am choosing to stay but that is just me. I think that may change and I will look after myself but I'm not there yet. This writing is only my way of voicing things to process information. Maybe over time I will open up more about things but for now I will leave it there. 

Companionship in a Relationship

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what is important in a relationship lately and if I was to ask you the question as I do, we would all say the same things. These include honesty, communication, openness & loyalty. These are indeed absolutely a must in a relationship and really a no brainer. But when it comes to the day to day survival of a long term relationship I think it's important that you look at what a relationship requires after the passion and honeymoon period ends. 

I believe that companionship is really important. Companionship is not simple or easy. It's  not a fall back and keeping that going can take effort as relationships take effort. But that's a pretty generic term and probably means something different depending on who you talk to. So for me, companionship is in part a form of intimacy. It's feeling so comfortable with someone that you feel safe, that they will never intentionally hurt you, keep things from you or not be anything but completely open with you. Companionship is about feeling so safe with someone that you know they will be there to look out for you. 

It is also someone that just loves being around you, someone who takes an equal responsibility for decision making and you are still their number one. You enjoy activities together and live on equal terms. This is two people who just want to be together and share their lives. 

Relationships focused on companionship still require the same base and can still be destroyed by the same things that a romantic relationship can. In the end no matter whether your relationship is based on romance or companionship there needs to be key factors such as honesty, commitment and devotion. It still cannot work if there is external flirting, dishonesty, lies and any of the other things that diminish a relationship. The difference though is that a relationship built on companionship can withstand the ups and downs of romantic relationships which fluctuate over the years so focus on the true companionship. 

Love is love and any kind of relationship needs to be safe.  

 

Observations on Others

As you all know, my partner and I have been going through a difficult time and as you all know this is something everyone will go through at some point. Something I have learned during these times is that when these things happen we are very much alone. 

Now I'm someone who generally struggles with talking about difficult times with others but if I do I would like to know that either that person will sit there and listen but not comment or if they do comment, challenge me if you think I'm being crazy or stupid. 

What I have learned though is that people are usually in one of two categories. Either they run a mile lol or they will act like they care but only respond with what they think you want to hear. Obviously the best people to talk to is either someone who doesn't know either of us or someone who knows both of us. This way you would think you would get an unbiased opinion. I guess that it's just rare to find wise people out there who actually care about you. 

Another scenario that came up recently is I was asked by T's brother what was going on because he had noticed a change. I hesitated but filled him in and even found myself making excuses for T along the way. Let's call him J. Now J actually could see things from both sides but certainly recognised that there was something major going on in T's head and it needed to be sorted. This was a few weeks ago. J said he felt he needed to spend some brother time with T and I hope it happens but so far it hasn't. In that time I just hope things don't get too bad. 

I actually believe strongly that T would have come up with the same barriers although he's more likely to go along with whatever is said to him. If he had someone genuinely telling him what they think both good and bad I believe he would have worked with that. 

Overall I think we now live in a society where people either are only serving themselves or just want to tell you what you want to hear. I believe although in the event of a problem people will jump to help on an individual basis, I don't see people who are genuinely selfless. Don't misunderstand, I believe they are out there, just that I have failed to find them. I am still hopeful and will see how things go.