Love

The Ideal

Recently someone asked me what my ideal man would be? Interesting question but it's quite difficult to answer. But whether we realise it or now we all have an ideal partner. 

After much thought I realised I do have an ideal and this is what he is. As far as looks go, I can't really explain that one. I am attracted to a variety of guys. Guys of different races, heights and other features. What I would like in a partner is someone who is an equal. Who has a job (I don't care what they earn). I'd like someone who is able to have an argument and get over it, who is introspective and doesn't always have to be right. 

Someone who looks after me as much as I look after them. Someone who can show how they feel. That may be in genuine words or actions or through affection. Someone who makes me feel as safe as I make them feel. Someone who thinks about me and others more than they think about themselves. Someone who actually cares about my life and how I am. Someone who believes that as a couple you go on a journey together. Obviously I want someone who is honest  and loyal and open who doesn't bottle anything up but rather gets it out, resolves it and moves on. 

Most importantly someone who realises that during a relationship there are ups and downs and stays committed and does whatever we need to do to get through the downs. Someone who will stick to whatever it takes, whether that be counselling,  personal development or whatever. To do this though they would need to be open to being wrong. 

So there you go, my ideal. Some would say that it is a lot and doesn't exist but I'm not someone who expects things or someone to always be perfect, just someone who finds the balance. 

The Spark

I have had some conversations with some younger people about relationships and the one thing that they keep bringing up is the spark. You know, that spark that you feel with someone. Now the more I kept hearing the emphasis that people were putting on this the more concerned I got. 

It wasn't the need for the spark when they meet someone but rather the comments I heard from people talking about how when the spark goes they usually leave the relationship. I found this disturbing. Maybe it's an age thing I don't know but there seems to be a lot of interesting views out there. 

To me the spark is fleeting and part of the lust phase of a relationship. The honeymoon as they say. This is the part of relationship that let's you get to know someone but like anything it will go to some degree over the course of a relationship. I have found that what's important is understanding that this is to some degree temporary and you need to add some depth to your relationship. It's an opportunity for you to get to know someone whilst you develop true love for a person. 

I guess the conversations were concerning because not only was the spark a thing, but there was no real commitment to the reality of relationships. There was constantly this belief that relationships are temporary because I may want to go in a different direction with my life. In fact there was a lot of "I"'s in the conversations. There was little understanding of working on a relationship or compromise or working on a mutual direction.

There seems to be this belief with younger people that everything is about what they want and too bad to everyone else. To be honest I don't understand this level of selfishness and it's certainly not going to lead to good relationships. Sharing your life with someone is more than sex and more than hotness (because that will go for everyone at some point). It's more than what an individual wants and is about building a life with someone that takes into account the things that both people would like as individuals and as a couple. I think one of the biggest dangers to the future is this belief that you need 100 likes on a post or photo to be validated. But that's a different post lol. 

Relationships are about sharing and about realising that the love of an honest, caring person in your life is amazing. Realising that you are someone's No. 1 is important because that is someone who will stick by you when times are tough and not just when things are good or you get what you want. Selflessness is the key to a happy life not selfishness. 

Where Have I Been?

Firstly I would like to say thank you to all those who sent me messages during my absence from blogging. It has helped and I appreciate it. I want to talk about so much and have no idea where to start. I do want to say that this post hopefully won't be a big one but rather an introduction. So I will share briefly why I disappeared from blogging for several months and what has been happening. It's certainly a personal journey and one which most people go through. However each and every person's experience is important to them and in this case me. However this will only be a brief explanation because there are so many things I want to say and each one is probably a unique post. 

When I first commenced my break it was because life was busy and I was feeling that things were getting on top of me and so blogging wasn't a priority and I stopped. However in the time I have been absent I've had many things take place. The main one was the sudden split from my partner, his choice. So I have been through some change lol, including the split, moving and all the things that a split brings with it. Many of the issues will come up in future posts but the hardest thing to deal with was that in his messed up head and his words, 90% of the relationship was great but 10% wrong is too much. I know that sounds crazy but I guess as I see in a lot of people these days they run rather than deal with things. Don't pass judgement on either of us, I will talk more about things in the future. We are on speaking terms and I will always love him more than I can express. But as many tell me I am also prone to defending those I love even when they have done me wrong. 

For those of you who have followed me or know me you will know that when major emotional events happen I need to take down time. I am a highly emotional person who internalises a lot so I need space to help me grieve and mend. Even though the split was three months ago I am far from being over it. I think that takes time and once I see or meet people that could potentially be a prospective partner and can see there are possibilities things will be even better. I'm not dwelling or ignoring it but rather dealing with things. I am moving forward. So this isn't about poor me but rather looking forward. So anyway, I have written a bit too much for a post and will be back later. 

When Your Job Doesn't Satisfy

Life tends to get on top of us a lot. A few weeks ago Eddie was posting about a large drama at work and on top of the time of year this must be exhausting. Work does take a toll on you. For me at the moment it's full on as well. I actually love the busyness of it all but I have a number of projects running at the moment that are so diverse that they are occupying a lot of my waking moments. I think if I didn't have my own systems of staying organised and up to date down pat I would be having a break down about now. 

The other thing Eddie mentioned recently is that he feels stressed about going to work. I know these feelings can often come from stressful situations at work but there are other reasons that I too have experienced. I find that after an amount of time doing the same thing that the job can get quite mundane. After all the challenge isn't the same. We have become experts at what we do and it's just same shit different day. This can be temporary because if the right project comes along that excites me for example I am reinvigorated. I have worked with the same company now for almost a decade and the only reason I have survived is that the challenges have been constant. Luckily in my industry things never stay the same. 

The other reason we start to really not enjoy our jobs as much is because as we get older our priorities change. We start to realise that work is a job and not our lives. I would hate to go back to a place in my career where my job defined me and I was career orientated. I certainly love my job and work hard but I have got to a point where I find balance. After all I would hate to think I don't give my all to those I love because of my job. After all when I am on my death bed I don't imagine I would be thinking I regret not working longer hours lol. I think if anything I would regret not spending more time with those I love or care about. We are a consumer society and we no longer really work to survive. We work to get things that really don't make us happy. So when we wake up to ourselves and realise what is truly important we don't have to have everything. We don't need the biggest house but just one we love. 

Ambition isn't a bad thing, in fact I see it as a positive motivator. The key is to ensure that the ambition doesn't sacrifice what is truly important. So remember that throughout our lives there comes times that we have to make choices and ensure the balance is there. I currently have a friend who is a highly paid strategist but is truly unhappy. She has realised that happiness is more important and is looking at starting her own little business. This will give her the new challenge and will be able to run it as a family business. 

There are a lot of things in life we have to be mindful of. The main one around our work is that if you are unhappy in your job or just start to feel the mood changing then start the dialogue with people you care about and maybe start thinking about a change. 

Keeping the Relationship Alive

I've been seeing a lot of articles around about whether or not it's possible for relationships to last the test of time. As you would expect there are a lot of differing views out there but the one thing that is consistent is that everyone agrees it's all about choices. 

Love is not something that comes with a manual (just like parenthood) so really there are no easy answers that will make everything like a fairytale. After all, you can do everything right as a parent and still end up with bad kids lol. The best you can do is love your kids and do what you think is right and hope for the best. Like I have always said when you raise kids it should be about teaching them what is right, teaching them humility and confidence and make them strong. It may not always work but I know I'd much rather have kids that stand up for what they believe than kids who don't. But then again you will always be hit and miss and you just have to love them. 

It's much the same in relationships. You can only do your best and hope things work out. Now don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you should sit back and hope for the best. You definitely have to work hard at it and yes there are some things you can do to give it the best shot possible. But relationships take two and both of you must take keeping the relationship alive seriously and selflessly. 

Something that many people seem to miss these days is that relationships are about love, not how much you can be entertained. You hear so often these days that relationships end for such stupid reasons such as boredom or other ridiculous reasons and the worst I hear and is quite common is that it just was just hard work. OMG, if you think relationships should be easy than you will end up alone. If you are in a relationship and have been for years and it's still easy in your mind then something is wrong. Either you have both given up or just don't care enough or someone is just giving in all the time. Relationships are not meant to be easy and it does take work. I'm not saying relationships are always hard but in every relationship there are good times and bad. It's about being committed to each other through it all.  

There are 4 things that everyone agrees will keep things alive and deepen the love:

  1. Spend time together: I mean quality time. Time when there are no distractions from technology or others. Take time to go away on weekends or just go out to dinner. Even just snuggling together on the couch can be good quality time. 
  2. Touch: Don't underestimate the power of a gentle touch or a hug. But do it every day and mean it. Touch is the most powerful of the senses in a relationship and is a non verbal way of expressing love. 
  3. Air problems before they get big: communicate, communicate, communicate. Be open to discussing problems and having arguments, and both of you need to be willing to lose an argument. Both of you will win some and lose some. Don't let it be a negative. Just see it as compromise. There is too much selfishness in this world. 
  4. Surprise: You way think this is a little thing but if you were to surprise your other half in little ways all the time. Little notes, volunteering to pick up the dry cleaning or cook dinner. Or simply surprising him with a chocolate out of the blue. It is a sign that you have been selfless and thoughtful and often if you do these things it stops all other problems or misconceptions that may occur. It is truly incredible how many doubts and feelings just don't come about when you are constantly doing little things. It's the little things that matter. 

Remember to be true to your relationship and don't miss any opportunity to show each other how much you care.