The Mundane (6)

Things have been tense for some reason but manageable. 

We had a big talk but I'm not sure it was genuine. He said all the right things about us being closer than anyone else etc but in the end T is super selfish and only thinks of himself. I don't think he realises it but I guess that's just the way he thinks. I love him and will do what I can but I think that as far as me hanging around it will be one day at a time. I need to be prepared to leave because I know I may have to leave to save my own sanity at some point. It probably wouldn't be so bad if T was really open and honest but unfortunately that's not him. I can't spend all my time being in the dark to what is going on so we will see. 

I don't think he actually understands the impact this latest revelation has on me. I don't expect him to fully understand and I know he needs to put a great deal of energy into himself but it would be nice if he cared, but I guess that's just not going to happen. It really has meant that I now have to prepare to get out. That in itself is a big deal considering everything. Unfortunately I am feeling a little discarded. I know I have to work through my own feelings on everything and I will do that but at the same time prepare. In the end I can't base my sanity on making sure he is looked after. I will do my best but in the end he is an adult and needs to go through the down times as much as anybody. I know if I leave he will struggle financially which to some degree is why I stick around, but if he is not going to do his part and doesn't appear to want me around, why should I put myself through it. 

I need to look after myself as well and although anyone who knows me can tell you I don't have a good track record in putting myself first there always comes a breaking point. I can only do my best.