My Reason's (3)

Oh don't go anywhere, this story get's more and more interesting. But first I will continue from where I left off. I will accelerate some posts over the coming days in order to catch you up to where we are at. The reason being I want things to be close to real time. 

The reason I am still here is two fold. One is that I was made redundant due to a restructure so I feel that I need to be secure in a job and I really need to be before making any big changes due to money. The second is I actually love him. 

This makes for a difficult set of circumstances. As I write more posts and they will be more frequent you will find out that things have changed dramatically. Remember, this is my journal and I know I shouldn't hang around but I have spent my life supporting people and I know that probably makes me a sap but I have to live by my own values and I'm just not the type of person to screw someone over. After seven years together I feel obligated to do the right thing. I know he hasn't done the right thing but I don't want to sink to that level. The other thing is we own a business and although I don't work the business other than finances, it isn't at the point where T can make a good income from it, so I feel that if I was to just leave everything we have worked for would fall apart. Plus it's all my money that was used to set it up. 

One of the things that makes it difficult is that in public everyone loves T and he is really good at making people believe he is the nicest guy in the world although I suspect that they see other parts of his personality. Unfortunately behind closed doors things are very different. Whether it be through mood swings, inappropriate behaviour, constant random chats with people he finds on gay apps or other things it can be very difficult not to feel deflated. If you have ever been in a similar relationship you will know that it's very difficult to explain it. Particularly when it's emotional. My biggest problem is I love him and really feel beaten down. 

Anyway, this is only the beginning of the story because things have just got more complicated. I will write more asap. I need to write about things for my own peace of mind so please do not judge. If you know me IRL please keep this all to yourself unless it's with me. The one thing I have learned is any comments to T about anything can make my life even more hell. I do love him but I also realise whether he sees it or not he doesn't really care about me or anyone other than himself. But things have become more complicated and I'll go into that next.