The Catalyst (2)

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a while but I needed to be ready to put it out there. After all I am writing about my life because it helps me cope and I'm hoping it helps. Unfortunately I really am just fumbling my way through all of this because I don't know how I am meant to feel or what I am meant to think. It's tough after 7 years as it brings into question every bit of that 7 years. 

The catalyst for things came in December when on the 10th December I walked in on T cheating. I walked in on him naked with another guy. Immediately on noticing me, the other guy just got dressed and walked out. In fact what I found surreal was it was civil. Up to this point there is only three people who I have talked to about this although it took over a month before I could discuss it. 

I am not going into details of this but I was calm, probably in shock. Over the next couple of days I tried to discuss it with T and mainly got the response "I'm not going to talk about it", although there was one attempt where he actually had the hide to say "well I just wanted to get it out of my system". 

Unfortunately based on patterns and other things I have no doubt that this has been going on for some time even though he said this was the first. I suspect at the very least 12 months if not much longer. A couple of months before this event I had found a used condom in our house but again he wouldn't discuss it. I think what I find most upsetting about the whole event is that he always said that if he ever wanted to go down that road he would just tell me. Obviously not. I also suspect there are a couple of friends of his that have supported and facilitated the cheating. 

I believe a lot of the lies are in fact due to the fact that he has a morbid fear of ever being seen as anything less than perfect and unfortunately this type of personality leads to lies to save face. I don't think I have ever heard him apologise for anything ever and that is fact. In reality I knew he has always been dishonest, but I guess I never thought he would cheat. I find it sad because if he had been willing to sit down and talk things out I probably would have been able to work something out to a point of resolution. After all I believe it's the dishonesty I am most upset with. After all if he had been honest I couldn't say anything because he would have been respectful and open. 

When I say it was bad timing I wasn't joking but more about that soon. Yes, I am still here but only temporarily and as hard as it is I continue to play happy families to keep the peace but I will discuss this further soon. 

People may judge me, but those that know me in real life know how difficult the situation is and at this point in time I don't see any future in this relationship, mainly because he has never openly discussed things and continues in private to treat me badly in terms of being upfront and considerate. He definitely has no remorse and clearly doesn't care about our relationship otherwise he would have been prepared to openly discuss things and not the continuation of lies and bad behaviour. In my next post I will discuss the why I am still around.