Life

Well, what can I say life keeps me flat out. My job which is full of hard work and stress (like most) keeps me busy most of the time. I actually love my job and it is still just a job but I love it. Plus it gives me an escape from my personal life lol. 

Life at home isn't totally bad but I know things won't get any better as long as T is in denial and not prepared to help grow. So without going into details we get along and things are not tense at the moment so that is good. But unfortunately things are not like a relationship should be. I have compromised and it keeps the peace but in the end he has made it clear that what he wants is the only thing that matters. 

It's not someone being mean because he believes his own hype but he really believes that relationships are not about two people working together. He truly believes that everything is only about him and that he is always right. That is in no way an exaggeration. The boy just has no real emotion and doesn't have the depth to look inside himself so for now I will go with the flow until I am in a position emotionally to make a decision because to be honest I don't know what I want at the moment. The one thing I do know is that I do deserve to be loved and I don't believe that is currently the case. 

I believe that T is pretty messed up and a lot of it does have to do with his childhood which was torturous. That isn't an excuse because a lot of people with bad pasts will do whatever it takes with strength to work through their issues. Unfortunately that is not the case here probably because he believes he has dealt with it but unfortunately it's that stubbornness that will lead to even more issues.

I obviously care but realise that his current state of believing he is perfect and everything he thinks is right means I can't do anything. So at this point it is my issue because I am choosing to stay but that is just me. I think that may change and I will look after myself but I'm not there yet. This writing is only my way of voicing things to process information. Maybe over time I will open up more about things but for now I will leave it there.