Well, to update you on the situation at home, I have survived another week. Not much has changed but it's been a little more subdued allowing me to get through. I am still preparing myself for an exit and luckily what's left would be a day of packing at most. It would take longer to find somewhere to move.
For those that don't know I am someone who once that line is drawn I can't hang around with all the emotional turmoil. So I just need to be ready. At this point I still have had no answers but knowing T I know that he is too scared to allow anything positive to come out of his mouth. I was having a discussion with someone older this week who could relate to everything I am going through. It is a maturity thing and T's unwillingness to talk seems to be something that a number of people have said they have been through with a guy. Particularly guys in that mid twenties to mid thirties age group and T is 29.
A couple of weeks ago I asked whether he wanted to end our relationship and he said 'I didn't say that' but yet he won't talk to anyone to resolve whatever it is that is going on in his head. Instead he uses the statement 'it is what it is' lol, but when I ask 'ok well what is it' he won't talk.
Unfortunately at this point I don't see much hope and his desperate need for attention and thus spending more and more time on social media is just feeding his need for attention. He is talented and so he needs to keep finding new people to compliment his work. I can see that makes him feel special and that's ok to some degree. He appears to be the kind of person that if he doesn't have lots of superficial friends he starts to panic. Some of the friends he has are nice but unfortunately they are all shallow. He also tends to find friends who are younger than he is, I think this is so he feels like the adult.
I can see that unfortunately only life experience is going to mature him and I guess with us being together for so long, he has been able to sit back and not grow. This is one of the reason's I don't hold out much hope. I've never thought he was a bad person and I can still see that goodness in him which is why I continue to love him so much. But he had a truly rotten childhood and many bad experiences in live and never really dealt with any of it. I guess some people never deal with their past. Because this isn't the first time in our relationship we have been through something like this I know that if I do leave I will not be able to see him again. I will deal with him through email for the business stuff but I will not be able to be involved with him at all outside of that because I will need to move on.
I think if there is going to be a tough night it will be tonight. End of the work week for him. So fingers crossed.