So it's been almost a week since my last update and I want to record things for my own benefit. Over the last week, things have been all over the shop.
I am not in a good or safe place at the moment and T just goes from nice to nasty in a split second. The behaviour is hard to read as sometimes he is fine and the next second it's a complete shift. Sometimes it feels almost bi-polar like.
One thing I have established is that I actually don't believe there is any self-awareness on his part and I really think he doesn't know what is going on in his own head. I have never met anyone I feel is so messed up and that is saying something. Unfortunately in his mind he is perfect and doesn't believe there is any benefit in talking to a professional because he is 100% right about everything. He has said that so I have to accept that he isn't prepared to acknowledge he needs to work on anything. I have also picked up he is constantly in need of attention and is always looking for that life buzz. So I guess that means he will also never be happy.
In saying that I don't feel safe or secure and I am preparing for the worst. I want to be positive about things but at the moment I just have to be ready for whatever happens. I'm not saying I will hang around but on either side I have to be ready. The reason for this is that from experience when emotionally raped like this my state of mind and my health can be affected. The other thing is that when it gets to that point I can't hang around and I will need to enact a move quickly. So I will start preparing, start lining up the ducks so that I can make things happen quickly.
The hardest part of all of this is that I really love him. He knows and will admit to this and that makes things all the more difficult. I grew up believing that when you love someone you have good and bad times. So I guess that is what makes this so hard. If I felt that he was working on things and was committed none of this would be an issue. So it's about resigning myself to the fact that he is the type of person that when things get tough he runs.
So tomorrow we both go back to work so we will see if getting back into a routine has any impact. Other than that I just have to prepare.