Damaged

The last few days have been reasonable although there has been very little time spent together. When I say reasonable there has been some outbursts but generally they have been manageable. 

I realised over the weekend through a conversation with one of T's family members that I am damaged. Apparently during the conversation I kept making excuses for T without even knowing it. This shows me that things have become so ingrained that I have lost some of my own values. The other thing that came out during the conversation is that I kept saying that we are both at fault and I kept getting pulled up on this because although I know I have to find the balance, I am not being given the opportunity because there is no open communication. Without the ability to talk through problems there is no chance of resolving them. 

The request was made at the end to please don't give up on T. I was honest and said that I am not someone who gives up on someone when times are tough but I have to look after myself as well and without the communication and add to that T won't look within so everything I do is wrong and he is perfect, I just don't know how long I can last. 

I don't know what is going on in T's head. I can see that he is only thinking of himself and looking for the next buzz or validation, and I think unless something changes soon I will have no choice but to leave. Today is Monday and Monday's are one of the worst nights, probably because it's his day off so when I get home from work he is already in a mood. It's a little tough too because this weekend is my birthday and I am scared that it will be a bad one. But only time will tell so I'll leave that alone. Anyway, I need to go for now, so we will see what happens.