This week has run without too much incident, in large I think because we have had visitors. I can still see through my interactions with T that nothing has changed but at least there has been peace.
I was recently asked does he want the relationship? This is where it gets difficult to explain. He says yes but he wants to change a lot of the ways the relationship operates. At the moment the best way to explain what he is saying is that it's like companionship. Don't misunderstand, he doesn't want to open up the relationship so it's not about that. My best way to explain though is it is kind of like he wants to almost operate two completely seperate lives. It's so hard to explain. However for me a relationship is about two people who love each other sharing the journey of life.
I guess as I have previously said I will see how things progress and make appropriate decisions for me as I see fit. I guess I have to see how I feel and ask the question is my life better with him or without him. The visitors leave tomorrow so we will see how things go. I know it's going to be a tough thing to work through because I can see for T to work out where his head is at and look at himself I would probably have to disappear for at the least a couple of months. He would need to be really alone. However from past experience with him this happened in the past and I'm not sure I am willing to go through this again.
I can feel the situation affecting me but I know for me to make a move I have to get to the point of no return. So we will see how things go and I will take things as they come. I know I am not thinking or processing things well at the moment but I also know I can't leave any stone unturned because that will leave me with regret. I don't give up easily.