Before I begin, I have two things to say. Firstly, I will start posting images shortly that I consider beautiful. I know some of my readers like those so that will happen. Secondly, as I have previously said I want this blog to now reflect my life. That means good and bad so there will be periods where posts are about the downs in my life and others when it's about the good times. This will be more like my journal.
In saying that I will endeavour to explain my current situation and go from there.
Those that have followed me for years know I am not the best at picking my relationships and that in no way means I don’t really love those that I have been with. At present I am in a volatile situation and have been for many years. I love him to death and the majority of our time together has been good. Unfortunately every now and again it explodes and he gets himself into a state where he runs. Whether that be literally or figuratively.
Like a lot of men he doesn’t communicate at all so I expect that issues along the way get bottled up until they explode. He has also said to me that he doesn’t believe relationships should require work which for me is the opposite to what I believe. It's hard to work through anything because unfortunately everything is met with anger, and the difficult thing is when these states of anger happen it seems it takes over and all rational thoughts are gone. He makes assumptions about what I am thinking and it's all consuming. If I try and say I wasn't thinking that I get called a liar, so it's a no win situation. My experience is these bouts of anger just keep going. They last days and weeks. In that time I am not allowed to talk, and I am meant to live and the feeling is that I am being strung along. I have never in the 6 years heard him say sorry for anything, and never admit to being wrong. Yet I am still here because I love him.
Now to put things in perspective I actually blame myself a lot for repeating these attractions and to be honest I probably beat myself up more than I should. The problem for me is when you have someone who never and I mean never compliments you or says a nice word I do tend to start doubting myself. I have always believed that you give 100% to your relationship but in the end it takes two people who believe that to make it work. It also takes two people who are prepared to do everything possible to work on a relationship during difficult times whether that be receive coaching, counselling or communicating.
I guess something that I am seeing a lot of in the world is this belief that relationships should be easy and if they aren’t move on. This disposable relationship culture is quite sad to me. But if that is the way the world is going maybe I just have to accept that. The other trend I am seeing is that people are less and less likely to be introspective. So they never grow as humans because they are not willing to look at themselves. Basically this belief that they are perfect and only care about themselves and what they want. I believe I screw up everyday and I am happy to make changes and look at myself. But I guess I just believe that in a relationship sense I can’t be the only one doing that.
I am sure there are selfless people out there but it does appear that it is becoming less and less common. What I believe is that if you truly love someone you will always meet each other half way. Two people are rarely identical and I know that I make sacrifices all the time. It doesn’t bother me because I just believe that is what love is about. I have always said that as long as I feel loved I can manage. It’s about the person you are with finding their way of showing love that they are comfortable with and me understanding what that is. I know this too can be difficult if like me, your partner’s only way of showing love is and I quote ‘being present’.
My problem is I love him and want to work through whatever the problems are unfortunately it’s one sided as there is zero communication and has no interest in seeking help. So I guess I will break at some point and that will be that. Maybe my problem is not knowing when enough is enough.
As with any relationship there are businesses and assets involved so it's not a simple process to walk away. As well as this anyone who has been in a serious relationship knows the emotional pain is hard to work through. These are things I am trying to establish, because I do feel that he will end things based on what I know of him. I could be wrong but only time will tell. I can't cope emotionally with too much time passing so I guess there is a possibility I will have to get out to save my mind. It's difficult when you don't even know what is wrong.