Connections

I had some flashbacks recently of when I was young. I remembered unlike most with AS traits I always got a lot of my energy from physical contact with people I had an emotional connection with. I didn't like the physical unless I had an emotional connection. That may be as simple as a touch. Over the years growing up I learned that I had to be much more discerning because there is a level of appropriateness when it comes to hugs and touch in general. That learned behaviour stuck with me throughout my life and I am happy it did because it helped me learn that sometimes you have to compromise or learn things that don't necessarily come naturally. This is part of maturing and learning social skills.

The key though is that it didn't change me, just how I expressed me. Socially I am now not an overly physical person because it's socially not appropriate. Also I tend to find that I very easily take on someones energy when in physical contact. Touch is still very important to me and that is why when I am in a relationship, I am a physical person. Intimacy is extremely important because it makes me feel connected to the person I am with. Even if it is just our legs touching, a hug, kiss or any kind of skin contact. That connection for me is extremely important.

Often it feels like a more spiritual connection to me and I find it helps me deal with the stresses of life. I wish I could explain that more but because it is based on an emotional and spiritual thing, I find it very hard to articulate just what it means or is to me. One of the things I find in many parts of my life is expressing just how things affect me and impact on my being. I remember a psychologist once explaining to me because of my AS traits that if I needed someone to understand how things feel or affect me to simply multiple it out. For example say to someone "you know how you feel down or sad when we fight, multiple that by 50 and that's how it affects me" or "You know the warmth you feel when we hold each other, multiple that by 50 and that's how it feels for me". Multiplying by 50 is not an exaggeration either. It is that intense.

I am an emotional person even though I sometimes find it hard to express. Connections are very important to me, although the main difference is I don't need a lot of them. I really only need a small number of them to be completely happy. They just have to be genuine and honest.

Stevie

brisbane