Inside my Head

This may be a little personal but it’s worth sharing. I am one of those people that are often described as nerdy or maybe quirky and I really like that because it describes how I feel about myself. But with this I also have some barriers to society and that is a combination of baggage from my past and my aspergers.

For the most part this stuff is not noticeable and can easily be hidden on my part. However that is not always the case. The most noticeable of these things comes from those I spend a lot of time with which inevitably means the biggest area is my relationships. This means that the person I am in a relationship with has to be an amazing person not only to put up with those idiosyncrasies but to understand when I am exhausted from behavioral changes.

What that means is there are a lot of things that I am just not programmed to do. An easy example is being overly social. I have learned the skill of being social and don’t dislike it but because it is not something I am programmed for it makes me extremely exhausted.

Another one is standards. Someone, to be in a successful relationship with me has to meet a high standard of values and morality. The reason for this is that I simply cannot tolerate any diversion from this code. Now for some you may think my value and moral code is not as high as yours but some may think it is high. So it really is subjective. The difference is that I am less likely to accept a lesser standard because as much as I try I am simply not able to lower it. The biggest thing is lies of any kind. Any lie could potentially lead to the end because a lie no matter how small creates an atmosphere of distrust that is difficult to get past. In some respects I am lucky because I can read people I meet very well. Even if it's not in person I seem to be able to pick someone's sincerity and intentions very quickly. The funny thing is I am almost always right. I don't know why I have this trait but I do like it because it means I don't waste time on people that are not really worth it. However the one area of that I fall down in and sometimes I see the person within and sometimes that's when I get burnt. I will see the goodness in someone but miss the fact that at this point in time they are a complete nutcase lol. At least when I know someone isn't right straight away it means they are pretty bad. 

Because one of my natural traits I see a lot more about what goes on around me than most. I also pick up on even the tiniest change in someone's routine, personality or manner which can lead to a lot of insecurity unless I have someone who really understands me and communicates really well. It also takes someone who is willing to go above and beyond what they may consider normal when telling me details. Mainly because my mind is always processing information and comparing it to history. This is not something I can control although years of therapy have helped me switch it off at times. So if someone tells me a story in brief, my mind has to fill in the blanks, even with the simplest story.

So generally for me, relationships are even more hard work than most however on the other side of the coin, I am incredibly honest and loyal simply because I don’t understand not being those things. You will never have to doubt me because I don’t see a point to betraying someone. You will know everything there is to know about me and will never question my devotion to you.

I guess all relationships have their unique qualities and requirements in order to function but the key for me is the willingness to communicate, not just about the big things but also the small. At this point in my life I feel I have found that person and feel extremely lucky. We still have our arguments and if I look at those they are always in a time of poor communication. But I am happy and that is what I wish for everyone. Finding that person is a difficult task particularly in this day and age but for me it is worth every ounce of frustration and exhaustion. The key is to make sure everyday that  you show how much you love your partner, and in a way that they believe it. I work at it everyday and will continue to work at it because I want no shadow of doubt in my partners mind how much I love him.