Day 17

Hi Stephan

I am a little confused by your last post. On the one hand you say: "Both of us still love each other and are still in love with each other." On the other you are implying that the relationship is over. It is over if either or both of you really want it to be over, but I don't think you are saying that. Josh has hurt you badly, but we all screw up at times. And there are mitigating factors: his age (he is very young), his aspergers, and the fact that there appears to have been someone undermining your relationship in the background. There are people around who do try to undermine good relationships and who like playing destructive games.

You may need additional support, perhaps even a counsellor to help you both get it back together, if that is what you want to do. From everything that

I have read of your blog, it would be a shame not to give it a try, even though you have been hurt very badly.


You are right and that's what has been so screwed up about this. Yes the love is there on both sides, but unfortunately Josh's head has developed something that says yes I'm in love with Stephan but it can't work so I need to go. There is no one either within our circle or even within his family who understand it. They can comprehend because his mind is so different. Unfortunately in a situation like this Josh also can't be confronted as such or accept therapy etc because he feels that he has to work out everything for himself and shuts down if confronted. That can often take a lot of time. I think that's why this is all so hard because I know he loves me but I can see how messed up the thought process is.

I have done everything possible to do the right thing by Josh and I don't feel I can do anymore. I have however left the door open for him to talk to me if he wants to.

I had a friend ring me last night who just kept saying that even he felt we were great together and just never thought anything like this could ever happen. However it has and since Josh is where he is at I can do no more than move on. It's a terrible shame because I just felt we were so good together. I think we taught each other a lot and were good for each other. I do see that the biggest issue was poor communication. Unfortunately that's where things are at and because emotionally I am extremely hurt and in pain, I need to just keep moving forward day by day and think a little less about it each day.

It is really difficult for most people to comprehend and Josh is like that. He is a beautiful guy with a heart of gold however his mind does not work like most people's and it is difficult for most to grasp. To the most extent even though there were frustration's at times because I didn't understand, for the most I did get him. It's just a shame he didn't realise that. Someone (not in a make you feel better way) genuinly said that one day he will realise just how much he gave up. The horrible thing is I think he may have to crash to realise it. He is a great person and so much better than a lot of the trash around him but I don't think he see's it due to his self-esteem issues. I can't see anymore I can do at this point. That's where I am at.

Anyway, talk soon.