The reason I haven't posted in a while is I am conscious that if I tried to put on paper some of the reality of things it would just sound like I'm crazy but the truth is things are crazy. Since my last post things have been ok as in calm with the exception of a couple of outbursts. It has got me thinking about myself and how I am tracking. Firstly I realise other people, many other people go through far worse situations to me and although I feel myself sinking a lot of the time, I just keep telling myself to suck it up and deal with it. It's not forever and his bad behaviour isn't likely to kill me.
Its not easy and as much as I try to be supportive, and manage, I can see that T doesn't treat me like some one he deeply cares about and for me, even if he doesn't see it himself I can see he is just using me. I'm not sure if it's the intent or just that he is so consumed with his selfishness that nothing else matters. I know that shouldn't be my problem but I can't leave someone in the situation, at least for as long as I can.
The problem is I can see he is claiming I'm his best friend and the person he is closest to, but in the same breath lies and doesn't consider anyone other than himself and what he wants. It's really tough sometimes to sit here and know he prefers to put his time into others, than talk to me or spend time with me. We have one day off at the same time being Sunday and he never spends it with me. It really makes me think he's not a decent human being when I hear or see his behaviour. He could show me that I am important to him but doesn't.
The problem though is I love him and as long as I live here I am emotionally invested. I can't pretend the last seven years were nothing, even though that's how he behaves. I guess I just need to survive until I can get out with a clear conscious.